God was a Geordie
by Stetec
Summary: Don't take it too seriously, just a bit of geordie speak  Newcastle upon Tyne accent, think Ant and Dec...  fun and an alternative view on earths creation...


Oh, my God!

God was a Geordie.

Reet at the beginning:

"Godfry! Get oot of bed!" Gods mam shouted.

"Shut up woman." God mumbled, half asleep.

"Godfry. Howey man, get up ya lazy little sh*te!"

"Mother, leave us alone man, I'm knackered. F*ck sake."

Mam hadn't seen Godfry sneak in at stupid o clock, absolutely hammered, went oot clubbing, drank sh*t loads of broon ale after the Toon got hammered once again in the inter-galaxy league second leg 1st roond tie with Jupiter United.

"Aaal yee dee since ya finished school is drink sh*te loads of that broon ale sh*te, get p*ssed, watch footbaal, play computer games, sleep, eat and sh*te!" Godfrys mam shooted up the stairs.

"Am telling thee now, if ya didn't get oot of that pit and dee summit useful with ya life, I'm gonna get ya dad to kick your ar*e doon to that dole centre. There's a whole world oot there waiting for you to discover, now howey, get up, I'll stick the kettle on."

"Areet man, I'm getting up, aye make us a strang coffee with loads of sugar in. Am gonna jump in the shower, a smell like a fell in dog sh*te. Either that or…awwwwwww man! Mam, have a look in the dryer, a need some clean boxas!"

Some time later:

"Ya see son, me and ya da anly want the best for ya. And it's nee good sitting aboot on ya ar*e aal day deein nowt. You were meant for bigger things. Now howey, you were aalways good at making things when you were a bairn. How aboot ganning to college and deein an engineering course or summit?"

"Mam, it's aal under control man. Av got a plan. A nah what am deein. So had ya pash and didn't sweat." slavered Godfry, a soggy bit of toast dribbling down his spotty chin, freshly dipped in his tea.

"Way, it better be, ya dads getting on my case for not getting on yours enough, he doesn't want ya gannin the same way ya uncle Thor did, mind, he was a right lazy bastad! Got his lass to dee aaal the work. Even tried it on with me, didn't tell ya da mind he'll dee his nut!"

"Aye, whatever, didn't worry, I'm gonna make a start on it the morra. Just need to chill oot a bit today like, a was wrecked last night like, it's aal that dick ed Apollo's fault, kept spiking me broon with after shock the tw*t! Gan to the bar me sell next time like!"

"So what ya got planned then pet? A nah ya get up to some crazy sh*t in that shed of yours, didn't be blowing nowt up this time, f*ck sake, the neighbours are still sticking up posters after their cat went missing! For Christ's sake, whatever ya dee, divnt tell them ya stuck the poor thing to a rocket, I've never heard nowt like it."

"Who the f*cks Christ?"

"Me ex, divnt tell ya dad for f*cks sake, we nearly ended up calling you that."

"Jesus , I'm glad ya didn't like, wouldn't be caught deed caaling my kids owt like that, poor foocker would get the shi*te pulled oot of him at school."

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Oh, my God!

"A nah, anyway, am off to work, make sure you get tidied up, ya dad'll be home in a bit and he'll kick you're a*s if ya don't."

"Awwwwwwwwwww howey mam, it's Sunday, yer nah I like to chill oot on a Sunday, f*cks sake, am sick of deein the dishes, mam man, we need to get a dish washer like, the hoovers knackered as well. Am gannin back to bed like."

"Ya better not like ya lazy little fuc*ker, I'm telling yee now, if it's not done ya did'll tw*t the shi*e out of ya."

"Aye whatever, gan to work man, ya deein me heed in bitch!"

"That's it am phoning ya dad now…" mam picks her mobile up.

"Areet man, am going, soz like, a was aanly joking like!"

Nokia launched heedwards by mam.

"IIIIyyaaa! Nee need for that like!"

Monday morning:

Reet, time to get me finga oot…

Av been wantin to dee this for a while now like, just cannat be bothered like, what can a say, am a

yoof! Aal things considered, ad rather be watchin the footy and bangin some fit birds, but the way the

toons deein at the minute and the lasses around her are aal skanks, I need to dee summit else to occupy

mesell like and keeps those two tw*ts off me back. Av been playing the sims a bit lately and that other

one where ya get to play a god and make aal these people de what ya tell them, ya can kill them for nee

reason and get them shag*ging animals and aal sorts its class!

Well, me mam says a live in me aan world so am gonna make me aan one, that'll shut the bitch up for a

bit. Av gotta show the college an example of me creativity before they'll let us dee an architects course

so that a divnt have to get a job and a can be a student and sponge of the government like everyone else

who's my age and doesn't want to work in Mcdonalds or that fu*ckin bleech factory doon the road.

Reet, doon to the shed and lets get crackin!

Thing is, me dads a tw*t and he won't let me fly his new Porsche rocket, so aal have to make it geet

small in the shed first then twoc me mams if a can find the keys and stick it in space so it can grow geet

big, peace of pi*s, I borrowed this book oot the library, it's got step by step destructions, so should be

nee bother, its called " Worlds for Entities" or summit or other, some of the geeks at school were on

aboot it a while back and gave it a crack, but a just flushed their heeds doon the bog and told them to

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Oh, my God!

get a fuc*kin life! My turn now though, whats the worst that can happen? If it gets me oot the dole

queue I'll give it a stab like!

Sometime later:

Aaahhhhhhhh man it's got me heed done in!

(scrumpled up bits of paper all other the shed)

Reet,its gonna have to be round. Its gonna have to be. I tried drawing it square. I've tried deein it flat

but the way I see it the little fookers with either waak or sail of the end of it. Has to be round. It'll

confuse the shi*te oot of them for a while like, if they decide to explore far enough and end up back

where they started, I can see them scratching their stupid little heeds now. Ah, fu*k it, nee other way.

Saying that I could be a reet tw*t and make it a parallelogram! Or star shape. Nah, that's aal been

done before by those fuc*k wits at school and it didn't work oot and there's nee way they'll let us in

college if a dee that like. So aye, roond it is. Come on the lads!

Some more time later:

Reet, mixed up some dirt and wata, couple of stones oot me dads garden and some grass. Think it's

grass anyway, nahing that pot heed it's ganga! He rocks that sh*t aal the time, thinks a divnt nah

aboot it. Stupid old tw*t! Now am gonna have to make it as roond as a can, think I'll use me mams

melon baller and then stick it in the oven till it's nice and hard.

Even more time later:

"Dad, where's me science experiment oot the oven?"

"You what? I thought ya ma had made us some muffins ya daft little sod, who the fu*k puts a science experiments in the oven?"

"Aw da man, that was me science experiment for college, f*cks sake man, took me nearly aal day to make that. What you mean you thought it was a muffin? Didn't the taste give you a clue? It's made of dirt and stuff man!"

"Aye but I've got a cold, cannit taste nowt, anyway I aanly had a nibble and chucked it in the bin, ya mam can't cook for shi*e, aa got a KFC instead."

Godfry looks in bin.

"Dah man, you've left a crater shaped hole in it, fu*k it I haven't got time to make another one now, I'm gonna have to give that bit to the yanks, that'll give them years of entertainment trying to figure oot where that came from. Nice one, ya old spacka!"

"I'll old spacka ya, ya little tw*t. Your getting non of me chicken now like, I was gonna give ya one of me ribs as well."

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Oh, my God!

"It's KFC dad man, what you think the C stands for? C*nt? It's chicken man. When was the last time you had a chicken rib? That gives me an idea though…"

"Dad can a borra ya rocket?"

"Fu*k that, I'm still paying for the last time you stuck me last one in someone's front room! What you want it for?"

"Awww howey dad man, I need to stick me planet in space, if a divnt test it how am a gonna nah if it works or not?"

"If you let me finish me chicken, I'll take you up in a bit. Nee way your flying my rocket like, must think I'm crazy man, too much thrust for you, you'll end up wrapping it around a space tree or summit."

"Space tree? Aye, whatever, hurry up man, av got sh*t loads to do yet like."

"Like what? It's only a science experiment man, need to get yourself oot there and get a proper job ya lazy little swine."

"You want me out of here or what? You want me to do something other than play with lasses, games and footy or what? Then quit ya bitching, finish ya chicken and get ya a*s in that rocket. F*cks sake man, a cannit win with you. I've got a week to get this done and I can dee with oot yee getting on me case. You need any help with that chicken?"

"Areet man, get ya sh*t together I'll be ready in 5."

10 minutes later:

"Dad man howey! You said 5 minute 10, wait 11 minutes ago. Whats gannin on?"

"Where's me shoes how?"

"F*cks sake, it's like living with a cabbage sometimes, ON YA FEET YA DIVVY!"

"Aye cheers son, reet coming now."

Later that day, in outer space:

"Stop pis*ing aboot son and chuck it oot the window, I wanna get home, emmerdales on soon."

"Well, if you hadn't pis*sed aboot eating chicken and looking for shoes…anyway, a cannit just chuck it oot the window, if it ain't in the reet place, if its too far from the sun, my little people will be fookin cold and die, too close and they'll be too hot and burn to death, did they not teach you nowt at school? And emmerdale? How old are you? 107? Fu*ks sake!"

"Nowt rang with emmerdale, so howey, lob it oot, water the fooker then lets gan, av been at work all day man, am knackered for f*cks sake."

"Reety ho. Dad man you've got the windows on lock, press that button by your switch so I can open mine, howey man."

Button pressed, window doon, lobs science experiment out of window.

"Reet, howey, lets away, come back and check on the feckin thing the morra, am dying for a beer like.

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Oh, my God!

Second thoughts, never drinking again after last night…"

"Famous last words son."

Back home, mums back:

"Who the fu*ks got clarts aal over me kitchen?"

"Thank God for that!" dad gleefully spills the beans.

"You, you little sho*te bag, I told you to clean and tidy up!"

"You didn't say clean, you said tidy so nerrrrrrrrr!"

Godfry takes Nokia to side of head this time.

Aboot a week later:

"A c. A fu*kin c! I worked my ti*s off for a week and aal a get is a C! What the feck does that daft c*nt nah aboot meckin a planet. Fu*k aal!"

"What's up son?" God's mam asked, sucking marbles.

"Did Mr. Mars not like ya experiment like pet?"

"Nah, he didn't. He's a tw*t man!" sulked Godfry, slumped in huffy slump on the couch.

"Aal a did was stick a beak on a beaver. He said I was tekin the pis* when I named it and thought I said I was platting pussies the deef old cun*. I was tired man. 7 days with aanly 9 hours kip a neet. What's he want from us, Mount Olympus?"

"You did your best son, that's aal that matters pet, a C's not that bad, could be worse. Why don't you keep it and see what you can do to make it better hinny?" God's mammy crooned.

"F*ck em, them little tw*ts can sort it oot themselves now, I'm telling you now, if I go back there within 2 thousand years I'll eat me own cack, I told that dafty Adam that. I might gan and pi*s on it and make them build a boat for a laugh ahahahahahahahaaa!"

"Godry!" frowned mam. "Them little swine's have feelings you know, ya cannat dee that to them."

"Mam, man, aa was jokin, anyway, they've got aal they need, Adams got a lass to fondle now. The pair of them can sod off and make little Adam and Eve's. I told him what I was gonna dee, he said way break a leg then, so I broke his rib instead! That'll teach him to be a smart a*s! I'm THE BOSS, NOT YOU LITTLE MAN! DON'T MAKE ME RAIN DOON MY WRATH HOW!"

"Adam and Eve? Howey man, could you not think of summit with a bit more imagination to call them like?"

"It wasn't me man! I made them a lush garden and stuck it reet in the middle of London and the daft little sod said: I don't Adam and Eve it, I'm all on me own governor. I'm not having that cockney rhyming slang shite on my planet so I scooped the whole f*ckin lot up and dropped it in the middle a desert for a laugh! She's canny hot Eve like. Fancy a bit of that fluff me sell!"

And thus earth came to be. God fooked off and left us to it and only came back aboot 2000 years later to sh*g Mary. That guy in the bush was just some ejit who found out the hard way that you can light your own fa*ts!

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Oh, my God!

And to all of those who doubteth: Bow down and pay homage.

God was a Geordie!


End file.
